It's Always Silent in Hilladelphia
by Mannyparkerlalala
Summary: Hey-o, Silent Hill fans! Ever wonder what would happen if the cast of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia went to your favorite video game spookville? Well quit wondering stupid things and READ THIS! You'll laugh and cry and piss your pants as the gang from Paddy's Pub have wacky monster-shooting, God-birthing, wife-killing adventures in Silent Hill. Rated M just to be safe!


The road was bumpy and gravelly under the tires of the car that was being driven on it. This car held in its capacity the likes of five people. These people all worked together in a bar in Philadelphia known as Paddy's Pub. There names-were Dennis, Dee and Frank Reynolds, and Charlie Kelly. And Mac.  
"This is a shitty road," Dennis said as he drove on it (the road).  
"Yeah," Mac agreed. "Why don't you bang it?"  
Charlie was in the trunk because he was scared of leaving Philadelphia.  
"Hey," Mac said. "Where are we going, anyway?"  
"You're an idiot, Mac," Dennis said. "You agreed to come along on this trip, and you're just now asking where we're going?"  
"Well I forgot to ask earlier," Mac said.  
"Charlie thinks his long-lost cousin is in this stupid town," Dee reminded Mac.  
"Hey!" Frank snapped. "I don't wanna hear you badmouth Silent Hill like that, Deandra. You kids used to love comin' here when you were young!"  
"No, we didn't," Dee said. "We hated it!"  
"You guys, I don't wanna hear any trash-talking that town," Frank snapped. "That town made for some really nice vacations, and it has a beautiful history."  
"Wasn't there some kind of psychotic cult there or something?" Dennis asked.  
"Yeah, I think so," Frank said. "But hey, that's not important! The rest of it is just fine."  
"Didn't some kids get murdered in the streets by some crazy guy there, also?" Dee asked.  
"Yeah, I think I heard about that," Dennis said.  
"Alright, you guys are completely missing the point here!" Frank snapped impatiently. "Every town in the goddamn country has a bloody side to its history, you're completely disregarding the good parts-"  
"OH MY GOD, FRANK, PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD!" Everyone screamed. Frank turned and screamed. It would seem like Dennis had been the one driving since I said that earlier but somehow they switched sometime during that conversation. Frank slammed on the brakes but he was too late; the car crashed into a very large sign that read 'WELCOME TO SILENT HILL POPULATION: MONSTERS'.  
"Goddammit, Frank!" Dee screamed. "That was a new car!"  
"Is everyone okay?" Frank asked, looking into the backseat where Dennis and Mac were laying and groaning in pain. "Okay, looks like you guys are fine..."  
"I think I broke my pelvis," Mac moaned.  
"Alright, listen!" Frank said. "We're gonna have to go get some help. There should be a mechanic or something somewhere. Come on!"  
They all got out of the car. Mac had a very noticeable limp at this point. Dennis walked around back to let Charlie out of the car. Charlie was screaming very loudly.  
"Charlie, be quiet!" Dennis snapped. "Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you?"  
"I TOLD YOU WE SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT FILLY!" Charlie screamed.  
"Charlie, you wanted to come here!" Dennis said. "Don't be an idiot, just...come on. We're trying to find a mechanic."  
"Yeah, because Frank had to go and crash my brand new car!" Dee exclaimed angrily.  
"Shut up, Deandra!" Frank snapped. "You woulda crashed it too if you'd been drivin in this god-awful fog!"  
"Frank, you crashed the car because you weren't paying attention to the road, not because of the fog!" Mac said.  
"You guys, can we just shut up and find a damn mechanic?" Dennis said. "Charlie's freaking out enough as it is."  
"I wanna go home!" Charlie was shouting. "I wanna see the waitress!"  
They looked around and noticed a lot of unmanned cars parked in the street. All of the businesses they saw around them were closed and abandoned.  
"Where the hell is everyone?" Dennis asked.  
"I don't know," Frank replied. "I don't remember the place ever being...this _empty." _  
"They probably left town when they realized how crappy the place was," Dee muttered.  
"Shut up, Deandra!" Frank snapped. "Now, who has the map?"  
"I do," Mac said, holding up a map of Silent Hill they had brought along.  
"Good," Frank said. "Now, Mac, do you see any repair shops near us?"  
"Uhh..." Mac studied the map for a moment, "no. I don't see any."  
"Well, that's just great," Dennis said. "What are we supposed to do now? We're stranded with no car in this creepy, abandoned town..."  
"It's not creepy, Dennis!" Frank said. "I think it's pretty peaceful here. Look, all we have to do is call a tow truck or something. Did anyone bring their phone?"  
"Actually, I think I left mine on my dresser," Dennis said.  
"Yeah, I left mine on his dresser too," Mac said.  
"I left mine in my oven," Dee said.  
"What's a phone?" Charlie asked.  
"Crap!" Frank said. "I think I fed mine to an old lady last week. Well, don't worry, everyone, there's gotta be a payphone somewhere around here..."  
"Hey, look, there's one over there," Dennis said.  
"See?" Frank said. "Let's walk over to it and use it to contact someone."  
They walked over to it. Mac picked up the phone and put it to his ear.  
"Um, I don't hear anything," Mac said. "I think the power must be out!"  
"Alright, that's it," Dee said. "This place is giving me the creeps. I'm getting the shit out of here."  
"Shit, Dee!" Dennis said. "Shit! Where the shit are you gonna go?"  
"I don't know, you shit!" Dee snapped. "But I'm not staying in this shitty-ass town for one more minute."  
"STOP TALKIN' SHIT ABOUT SILENT HILL!" Frank yelled. "Shit, Deandra! Listen to me! You have no car, no phone, no money. Where the shit do you expect you're gonna go? We're in the middle of nowhere! Now, I'm sure if we all just relax, and look a little harder for a phone, we'll find one that works. Or maybe we'll even find someone who can help us!"  
"Fine," Dee sighed. "Goddammit..."  
So they walked a little further into the town for a while, still finding nothing of interest.  
"Goddammit, Charlie," Dennis said angrily. "Why'd you have to drag us out here, anyway? This is all your fault!"  
"I didn't drag you guys out here!" Charlie protested. "I told you, I wanted to stay in Filly!"  
"That's bullshit, and you know it!" Dennis snapped. "You wanted to come out here to find your stupid long-lost cousin..."  
"_I _didn't want to come out here!" Charlie said in a disagreeing manner. "I wanted you guys to!"  
"Bang that shit!" Dennis snapped. "We don't even know what your goddamn cousin looks like! How did you even know he was here, anyway?"  
"I just had a feeling," Charlie said.  
"Um...guys?" Dee said nervously.  
"You just had a feeling?" Dennis repeated. "What kind of shit is that? Why are you always doing such weird things, Charlie?"  
"Guys!" Dee said, more frantically now.  
"Shut up, Dee!" Dennis snapped. "We're having a very important conversation right now, you ugly slut! Charlie, why are you such a weird little dumbass?"  
"You guys!" Dee exclaimed, pointing in a panicky fashion.  
"Oh my God, will you shut the fu-" Dennis said, turning around to see where she was pointing. When he saw what she was pointing at, he stopped mid-sentence and screamed.  
"WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT?!" Dennis screeched.  
Standing there was some sort of hideous monster. It looked like some sort of grotesquely deformed armless person, with no face and gray, blood-stained flesh.  
"Jeez, I don't really want to bang that thing!" Mac said.  
"Oh my God," Dennis gasped scaredly. He grabbed the first thing he could find that could be used as a weapon, which happened to be a steel pipe laying in the middle of the street. He then began to bludgeon the thing to death, but not before it puked some nasty substance all over him.  
"Oh my God," Dennis gasped (again) after the thing was dead. "It burns...it's like it just puked acid on me!"  
"What the hell was that thing, anyway?" Frank exclaimed. "It looked like a-OH JESUS CHRIST DENNIS!"  
Dennis had a wound in his throat where the acidic vomit had burned his flesh.  
"Don't worry about it," Dennis choked. "I'll be fine..."  
"Um, no, I think you're gonna die, dude," Mac said. Charlie chose that moment to run away screaming for some weird reason.  
"What the hell's his problem?" Frank said.  
"You guys, we can't just stand here, we have to take my brother to a hospital!" Dee exclaimed, her voice wrought with panic. "If he dies, people will think WE did it!"  
"None of us can spit acid, Deandra," Frank said. "I say we just dump the body here and never speak of it again."  
"You guys are assholes," Dennis gasped weakly. "I need a doctor..."  
"Yeah, I really think we should get him a doctor, you guys," Mac said. "There's a hospital right here on this map, see? Brookhaven Hospital...it's real close to here..."  
"The hospital's probably abandoned too!" Dee argued.  
"Deandra's right," Frank said. "There's nobody around in this goddamn town. We can't stop searching for help just to go to an empty hospital."  
"Well, we have to at least take a chance," Mac said. "This is an emergency. Look, how's this? Me and Frank will go explore the town some more, and Dee can take Dennis to the hospital!"  
"What?! Me?!" Dee said. "Are you guys out of your minds? I'm not dragging an injured person to a scary abandoned hospital in this godforsaken place full of monsters!"  
"Deandra, you're takin your brother to the hospital, and that's final," Frank said. "Here, you can take that pipe he picked up off the ground."  
He handed Dee the steel pipe and him and Mac walked off.  
"Goddammit," Dee muttered, and she took the injured Dennis towards Brookhaven Hospital.

Mac and Frank had been walking for a long time, but still found no one. Most of the buildings were locked, and were of no use anyway, as no one was occupying them.  
"Dammit, Frank, I really don't think we're gonna find much help in this place," Mac said after a while of boring walking. "We're probably just gonna find more monsters or something."  
"Quit being so negative, Mac!" Frank said. "I'm sure if we just keep walkin for a while we'll find something useful."  
"Why don't we check some of these abandoned cars?" Mac suggested. "Maybe one of them will actually start."  
"Hey, that's a good idea!" Frank said. "See, that's the kind of thinking we need in this situation right now!"  
"Yeah!" Mac said. "Here, we can break into this one over he-oh, never mind, there's a dead guy in there."  
"Oh," Frank said. "Yeah, I don't want to break into any cars if there are dead guys in them."  
"Let's see..." Mac said, looking at cars. "This one has a dead guy...this one does, too...this one has _two _dead guys...oh hey, here's one!"  
He led Frank over to a completely empty car.  
"Okay," Mac said, "it's locked. But that's okay, I'll just break the window."  
He punched through the window and cut himself pretty bad on the broken glass.  
"Ow!" he said. "That hurt!"  
"You're an idiot," Frank said. "Step aside."  
Frank crawled through the broken window. It's a wonder how he managed that feat since he's so goddamn fat, he probably would've, like, disemboweled his fat gut on the sharp glass. But somehow he made it through.  
He unlocked the car from the inside and let Mac in. Then he scooted over to the driver's seat.  
"Alright," Frank said. "Now, it's time to get the hell out of this place!"  
"Uh, there are no keys in the ignition, Frank," Mac pointed out.  
"Oh," Frank said. "Well that sucks. Hey, don't you know how to hotwire cars?"  
"Yeah, my dad taught me one time," Mac said. "But, uh, I forgot. Sorry."  
"Dammit!" Frank exclaimed. "Oh well. Search the glove compartment for keys, just in case."  
"Okay..." Mac said as he opened the glove box, but then he froze, his eyes widened in amazement.  
"What?" Frank said. "What's the matter with you?"  
"F-Frank," Mac stammered. "L-l-look at this!"  
Frank leaned over to look in the glove box, and he gasped. The compartment was crammed with hundred dollar bills.  
"Holy shit, we've hit the jackpot!" Frank exclaimed. "We're rich! This guy musta been a bank robber or something!"  
"Well I don't care where the money came from, but we're taking it!" Mac laughed. They were both very happy.  
"Come on, let's find the others and get the shit out of this place!" Frank cackled.  
"Screw the others!" Mac said. "Frank, don't you realize? If the others find out about this, they'll want their greedy hands all over _our _money. That we found!"  
"Hey, you're right!" Frank said. "I'm not splitting this with them! I found it, fair and square!"  
"Actually, I found it," Mac said.  
"Whatever," Frank said. "Look, let's just get out of town with this money, alright?"  
"Uh, screw getting out of town!" Mac said. "Frank, do you realize how much more money is probably laying around in this abandoned town? We've gotta go out there and find even more!"  
"Hey, you're right!" Frank exclaimed. "C'mon, let's go!"  
So they got out of the car and went to go treasure hunting.

*********************************************************

Meanwhile, our heroes Dee and Dennis, who was very weak and limping and stuff, were approaching Brookhaven Hospital.  
"Why the hell are you limping?" Dee asked as Dennis leaned on her. "It's your throat that got hurt, not your leg, you idiot."  
"I'm...dying..." Dennis choked.  
"Oh, go cry about it, you big baby," Dee sighed in exasperation. They approached the front doors to the hospital and she opened them. It was very dark and scary inside. Dee turned on her flashlight that she luckily had with her.  
"See?" Dee said. "Just like I said. There's nobody here."  
"Help...me..." Dennis choked.  
"Listen, I'll help you, okay?" Dee said impatiently. "Just quit whining! Come on."  
She took him over to a door and opened it. It led into a surgery room. She laid him down on the hospital bed.  
"Now let's see..." she said, going through a cabinet filled with surgical equipment. Dennis opened his eyes weakly.  
"Dee, what...what the...WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" he exclaimed.  
"Well, you need some help, Dennis, and there are no doctors around here!" Dee said.  
"Dee, you can't operate on me, you don't know what you're doing!" Dennis exclaimed.  
"Will you just shut up and let me help you?!" Dee snapped. "It can't be that hard. I'll just sew your wound shut with this..."  
She pulled out a sewing needle.  
"NO!" Dennis screamed. "DEE, FOR THE LOVE OF SHIT, NO!"  
"Relax!" Dee urged him. "This will turn out just fine if you just hold still..."  
She leaned in and tried to sew his wound shut, but he struggled very hard.  
"DEE, MY FLESH WAS BURNT OFF BY ACID, THAT'S NOT GONNA HELP!" Dennis screeched.  
"NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE, IT'S NOT!" Dee screeched back. The struggle went on for a while until finally they were interrupted by a horrifying sound coming from somewhere within the hospital. Dee screamed and dropped the needle.  
"What the hell was that?!" Dee exclaimed in terror.  
"OW! DEAR MERCIFUL GOD, MY EYE!" Dennis screamed. The needle was accidentally jammed into his left eye.  
"Shhhh!" Dee said. "Did you just hear that? It sounded like some kind of inhuman scream!"  
"I CAN'T SEE!" Dennis replied. "OH JESUS, IT HURTS..."  
"Be quiet!" Dee urged. "That..._thing..._whatever it is that made that noise...it's gonna hear us! Oh God, Dennis, there's something very wrong with this place..."  
"YOU SHITTING BITCH YOU STABBED MY EYE!"  
Suddenly there was a flash of bright white light. Dee was suddenly overwhelmed by an inexplicable pain that suddenly filled her body, causing her to double over and cry out. Suddenly the room began to change. She curled up on the floor in a fetal position squeezing her eyes shut until the pain and the horrible sounds finally stopped. When she opened her eyes, her heart leapt in her chest. The place was suddenly...different, in a very horrible way. The room looked even darker than it had before, and the walls looked as if they were decomposing. The air felt thick and musty, and a claustrophobic feeling was overwhelming Dee. She got to her feet and saw that Dennis was still lying on the bed.  
"Dennis..." she moaned. "What's happened?"  
"My eye," Dennis said weakly, closing his good eye.  
"Oh, will you quit complaining already?" Dee snapped. "You're being so selfish! Come on, we have to get out of this nasty place."  
She headed towards the door but noticed that Dennis was not following. He was instead passed out on the hospital bed.  
"You idiot, wake up!" she snapped, slapping him awake. "This is not the time for a nap!"  
"Superman?" Dennis asked weakly.  
"Hey, look, shotgun shells!" Dee said, pointing at the counter. "Wow, this place really did change. I don't remember these being here before! Oh well, we better take them. Just in case we find a shotgun or something."  
She pocketed the shotgun shells and forced Dennis to his feet, leading him out of the room.  
Out in the hall, she saw that the entire hospital had changed for the worse, looking very scary and creepy like the room they'd just been in. Also, there were scary noises that seemed to be coming from deep within the hospital. Dee was all freaking out and having a feeling like something was gonna come and get her or something. Dennis probably would've been freaking out too but he was sort of delirious at the moment.  
"Come on, Dennis," Dee said. "We're getting the shit out of here before something horrible comes and bangs us."  
So she led him over to the door they had come in and tried. Unfortunately, it would not open.  
"What the hell?!" Dee exclaimed, panicking. "We're trapped! HELP! SOMEBODY HELP US!"  
"Shhhhh," Dennis said weakly. He was almost sort of slipping back into reality at this point. "No one can hear us, Batman."  
"Goddammit," Dee gasped. "We need out of here! I guess all we can really do is explore further into this awful place. Maybe we'll get lucky and find another way out, but we're certainly not gonna get any safer if we just stay in one place. Come on!"  
She led Dennis through the hall and SUDDENLY, a scary monster nurse came towards them with a cane!  
"OH SHIT!" Dee screamed. "A NAKED HEAD GRANNY!"  
She bludgeoned it to death with the steel pipe.  
"That was pretty scary," Dee gasped. Then something else came towards them!  
"OH MY GOD KILL IT!" Dee screamed bludgeoning it to death with the steel pipe.  
"Oh wait," Dee said. "That was just a pony."  
"I just don't know what went wrong," the pony said weakly as it died.  
"Come on, Dennis," Dee said. "Help me try all these doors!"  
Dennis fell down.  
"Oh, forget you, asshole," Dee said, abandoning her injured brother. "I'll get out of this place myself."  
She tried the nearest door.  
"I think the lock is broken," she said. "It won't open."  
She tried the next one.  
"I think the lock is broken," she said. "It won't open."  
She tried the next one.  
"I think the lock is broken," she said. "It won't open."  
She tried the next one.  
"Well, this one opens perfectly fine. How about that!"  
She stepped inside. Dennis was still alive and he crawled after her.  
"Oh hey Dennis," she said when she noticed he was still with her. "You're looking well."  
"Kill...me..." Dennis groaned.  
The room turned out to be a locker room of some sort. Most of the lockers were shut tight and locked, but one of them was open. A ringing sound was coming from it. It sounded very much like...  
"A phone?" Dee said, walking towards the locker. There was indeed a phone in there. "Yes! Now we can finally call for help!"  
She answered the phone.  
"Hello?" she said urgently. "Can you help us? We're trapped in this horrible place!"  
"Happy Birthday to you..." a very creepy voice sang. "Happy Birthday to you..."  
"It's not my birthday," Dee said. "You have the wrong number, dumbass."  
She hung up.  
"What a retard," Dee said. "Well, the phone doesn't seem to work anymore, so that sucks...hey...what's this?"  
She noticed that there was a key in the locker.  
"Oh, sweet, a key!" she said. "Well that's good. Come on, dying brother!"  
And they left the locker room. Dee started trying the key in every door she could find because logically, she wouldn't know what door the key goes to. Finally, she found a lock that the key fit into. She entered the door and stepped into a doctor's office.  
"Oh hey, a shotgun!" Dee said. "That _is _lucky that I kept those shells."  
She took the shotgun and walked over to the table, where there were a bunch of papers and stuff. She started looking through them. They turned out to be medical records for crazy patients from the special treatment ward.  
"Hmmmm..." she said as she read through the papers. "Stanley Coleman...that's a pretty stupid name...what's this?"  
There was a creepy note underneath all the medical records. It seemed to be written in blood.  
"'She is the Angel of Death...she will punish all your sins'...what a creepy thing to write! Wha-"  
She stopped, for about that time she felt a hand seize her ankle. She screamed and began to swing the steel pipe wildly, brutally killing the crawling thing that had grabbed her.  
"Oh, wait," she said when the deed was done. "That was Dennis. I probably shouldn't have done that."  
(Notice how calm she seems now; that's probably because she is starting to go insane. I mean, why would there be a talking pony in a scary abandoned hospital? That was obviously a hallucination.)  
"Welp," Dee said. "What's done is done, and we can only move on. Let me just load this shotgun..."  
She loaded her shotgun and left the office, covered in blood.

*******************************************************

Meanwhile, Frank and Mac were having a blast running around town and stealing money and stuff.  
"I'm on top of the world!" Frank shouted.  
"Frank, check it out!" Mac exclaimed. "I just got $276 from a dead guy's wallet!"  
"Shit, Mac, that's awesome!" Frank laughed. "Sounds pretty gross, though."  
"Well, what are you gonna do," Mac said. "Hey, let's rob ALL the dead people!"  
"Good idea!" Frank laughed. So they started stealing dead peoples' wallets and whatnot.  
After a while they got tired and were already rich enough.  
"You know, Mac," Frank said. "If we stay here we're probably gonna get killed by some monsters or something. Maybe it's time to go home."  
"Yeah," Mac agreed. "Let's keep checking cars. One of them's got to have keys in it."  
So they continued searching cars. And luckily for them, they did find a car that had keys in it! Lucky, lucky, lucky. They got in the car, started it up, and began the long drive back to Philadelphia.  
"Hey, Frank?" Mac said. "How do you think Dennis and Dee are doing?"  
"Eh, they'll be fine," Frank said. "I wouldn't worry about it too much. I'm sure they're having just as much fun as we are!"  
(That was about the time Dee bludgeoned Dennis to death.)  
They drove for a while until they got on the road out of town, but they were horrified to find a gate blocking their way. It was locked. Frank stopped the car and they got out.  
"What the shit?" Frank exclaimed. "This gate wasn't here when we got into town, was it, Mac?"  
"I don't think so," Mac said nervously.  
"Hey, look, there's a note on it," Frank said. He picked up the note off of the gate and began to read it. "'Your blood shall be spilled to pay for your sins.'"  
"Oh my God," Mac said, panicking. "I'm freaking the shit out. I knew we shouldn't have come to this awful place!"  
"Hey!" Frank snapped. "For the last time, you watch what you say about Silent Hill!"  
"Are you crazy?!" Mac exclaimed. "You've got to be shitting me, we're trapped here, there are monsters, I feel like we're being watched, we just got a note saying we're going to DIE, and still, you're defending this place?!"  
"It has a real nice lake!" Frank snapped. "Back off!"  
"Come on," Mac said. "We need to get out of this town. I'm climbing the gate."  
"Are you sure you can climb it, Mac?" Frank asked. "It looks pretty tall..."  
"Are you kidding? I can climb anything," Mac bragged. "Just watch."  
He pathetically attempted to climb the gate a few times before finally giving up.  
"There has to be another way out of here," Mac said, worn out and gasping for breath.  
"No time," Frank said. "Look!"  
Mac looked where Danny Devito was pointing and saw a figure off in the distance, coming towards them. It looked like the figure of a large, well-built man, but its head...was shaped like a pyramid. In its hands was an extremely large and unpleasant-looking knife. Mac and Frank screamed.  
"Run for the car!" Mac yelled, and they ran. Mac jumped in the driver's side and started the car, and Frank just barely made it in the passenger seat before Mac began to drive. He did a perfect figure eight in the middle of the road, and then began to speed away, only to crash into a telephone pole only five seconds after that. The airbag went off.  
"OW MY NOSE!" Frank screamed. Aside from Frank's broken nose they were both lucky enough to not be hurt that badly. They jumped out of the car and began to run.  
"WE'VE GOT TO FIND ANOTHER CAR!" Mac screamed in desperation.  
"THERE'S ONE OVER THERE!" Frank screamed back. They both ran screaming to the next abandoned car they saw, and jumped in. There were keys in the ignition, which was very lucky. Mac jumped in the drivers' seat and Frank in the passenger's, and Mac began turning the keys desperately.  
"What the shit-?" Mac said as the engine stalled. "NO! GOD, NO!"  
"MAC, IT'S COMING!" Frank screamed.  
"I'M TRYING!" Mac sobbed. "THE ENGINE WON'T START!"  
"WELL TRY HARDER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" Frank screamed. Mac kept trying and finally, the engine started...but it was too late. The large faceless pyramid-headed creature was right at Mac's window. It motioned for Mac to roll the window down, and he obeyed, whimpering in fear.  
"Please don't hurt me," Mac whimpered, but his pleas were for naught, as the creature lifted its giant knife and thrusted it through the open window, stabbing through Mac's face and killing him instantly. Luckily Frank is a goddamn MIDGET so it didn't hit him, but he felt a clammy, disgusting claw grip his neck, and it was not until that moment that he realized there had been a monster in the back seat of the car the entire time. Frank howled in fear and pulled out the gun that he aways carried with him, firing it desperately into the backseat and hearing the demonic beast roar out in pain and agony. He fired a couple rounds in Pyramid Head's direction too but the bullets just bounced off its head, which seemed to be made of metal. Frank leapt out of the car and began to run as fast as his pudgy little pig-legs could carry him. Luckily Pyramid Head was very slow from carrying that giant knife, so Frank cut through an alley and managed to lose him. Or it. Whatever. Doesn't matter. He lost Pyramid Head!  
Frank dropped to his knees when he was sure that he was safe, at least for the time being. He noticed that the town was getting dark. Soon night would fall, and he would be even more scared. He remembered that Deandra had brought a flashlight along. He had called her an idiot for wanting to bring that...and she had called _him _an idiot for bringing his gun...oh, why had they all been so foolish?  
"Mac..." Frank sobbed. "Charlie...Dennis...Dee...what has become of us? I've been so selfish, so greedy...we all have been horrible to one another...now Mac is dead, and./...and I don't even know what happened to the others..."  
He cried for a very long time before hearing a voice. He froze, and realized that someone was coming. Someone..._human. _He almost cried out to them, but when he remembered the threatening note, he dived behind the nearest dumpster instead.  
As Frank listened, he noticed that there were more than one people talking. He peeked out from behind the dumpster, and spotted two cloaked figures stepping into the alley.  
"Have you seen the intruders anywhere, Claudia?" asked one of them, a woman.  
"No," replied the other woman, with a British accent. "But it does not matter. No mere mortal can stop the coming of our God."  
"It _does _matter, you limey piece of crap!" the first woman snapped. "We have come this far, and I don't want _anything _messing this up. Nothing at all!"  
"S-sorry!" Claudia said-it was obvious that she was afraid of this woman. "I'm sorry, Lauren. I understand."  
"Do we have enough weird scary monsters walking around to kill them?" Lauren asked.  
"Y-yes, Sister Lauren," Claudia promised. "There is plenty of scary stuff happening. Pretty soon they will all die very icky deaths."  
"Excellent," Lauren said. "And that big pyramid-headed thing, is he out there too?"  
"Yes, of course he is," Claudia said. "We can't forget about him. He has a giant knife."  
"That's true," Lauren agreed. "But listen to me, Claudia. I have reason to believe that one of these intruders...is more than a mere mortal."  
"You do?" Claudia asked. "Why did you not tell me this before, Lauren?"  
"Don't question me, you dumb bitch!" Lauren snapped. "I do what I want. Now, listen to me. The rest of these intruders are completely lame and stupid and worthless and they can die for all I care. But one of them...one of them is essential to completing the Empowering of God. He must be kept alive, at all costs."  
"W-which one, by crikey?" Claudia inquired.  
Lauren looked at her darkly (although Frank didn't really know how she was looking at her because he was watching from a distance). "A man by the name...of Charlie Kelly."  
Frank gasped when he heard Charlie's name. What was going on here...?  
"Lauren, did you hear that?" Claudia gasped. "I heard a peep coming from that cranny!"  
"Yes, I did hear it, you foolish retard," Lauren said, an evil smirk on her face. "There is a very stupid Muggle by the name of Frank Reynolds hiding behind that dumpster. But it doesn't matter. Soon he will be killed by monsters. He really can have no significance in harming our evil plans."  
"Oh," Claudia said. "Well, should we go capture him, or-?"  
"Nah, he'll die from monsters pretty soon anyway," Lauren said. "Let's just go find his friend Charlie."  
"Okey-dokey," Claudia said, which seemed very out of character to Frank. With those words, Lauren and Claudia left the alley.  
Frank crouched in the shadows of the alley, shivering with fear. What was going on? What did that nasty woman want with Charlie? How did she know his name, and that he was hiding there, without even looking? Why did that British lady say 'okey-dokey'? Who says that? So many disturbing thoughts were being pondered in his mind, he felt like his brain might blow up. But one thing was for sure...he had to find Deandra, and fast.

**********************************************************

Deandra was actually having a pretty shitty time, fighting her way through the Otherworld version of Brookhaven Hospital. She killed a lot of monsters, and at one point some stupid little girl randomly locked her in a room with weird hanging monsters that she had to kill. Then she met some weird mutated creature named Leonard and she had to kill THAT, too. But eventually she found a door that led out of the hospital. She got outside, and sighed with relief.  
"Whew!" she gasped. "That sure was one hell of a joyride. What'd I even go into that terrible place to do, anyway? I've completely forgotten!"  
And she walked away covered in Dennis's blood.  
She walked for a while, wanting nothing more than to find a way out of town. Unfortunately she did not have the map, so she was completely lost. Perhaps she would run into Mac somewhere, and they could escape together with that fat monkey that she seemed to remember being with them.  
It was getting to be very dark, and she realized that it was now nighttime. Since the power was out in the town, there were no streetlights, so she pulled out her trusty flashlight and turned it on, using its magical energy to guide her through the scary dark streets. She was fortunate enough to only encounter, like, fifty monsters. There were a bunch of winged demon things that kind of looked like pterodactyls and also some more naked head grannies. She killed them all.  
Eventually, she noticed a fat balding midget running around. She blnked a few times. She seemed to remember that fat guy from somewhere...but where...?  
The fat man turned around and saw her.  
"Deandra!" it yelled. How did it know her name...? She cocked her shotgun and aimed it at the thing.  
"Deandra, what are you doing?!" the thing screeched. "It's me, Frank!"  
Dee blinked.  
"I..._seem _to remember a...Frank..." she said.  
"What do you mean?" the little fat guy said. "Frank? The guy who works at the bar with you? You used to think I was your dad? I'm played by Danny Devito?"  
"Oh yeah!" Dee said. "Danny Devito! Hi, Frank! Where's Mac?"  
"Deandra, what's gotten into you?!" Frank exclaimed. "You're actin' really strange! Where's your brother?"  
"Oh, now I remember!" Dee said. "Funny story. I accidentally beat him to death with a steel pipe!"  
"WHAT?!" Frank exclaimed. "That's terrible! But it's not really important right now...Deandra, you need to listen to me! Something really horrible is going on here. There's some crazy psychotic cult running around, and there was this big pyramid-headed monster, and it killed Mac, and-"  
Before he could finish his sentence, a blade sliced through him, and he died. Dee then felt the blade slice through her as well. It hurt. She fell to the ground, and when she looked up, she saw a hooded woman standing over her.  
"Hello, Deandra," the woman said, an evil smirk on her face. "So sorry we had to meet this way. I was planning on allowing the monsters to kill you, but I grew bored of waiting."  
Dee opened her mouth, but no sounds were able to come out. As she watched, the hooded woman removed her hood. Dee saw that she was a young woman, probably in her mid-to-late twenties. She had red hair and hazel brown eyes which glinted with cruel evil. In her dying moments, Deandra Reynolds felt like she had seen those eyes before-in her darkest, most terrible nightmares, she had seen those vicious, merciless eyes, peering at her from the darkest shadows.  
"Don't worry about your friends," the evil woman said with a wicked smirk on her face. "They're all dead. All of them except for Charlie, of course. He is essential to the process of awakening God. Be happy for him, for if all goes as planned, he will be granted eternal salvation along with the rest of mankind."  
In her dying, delirious, mostly insane mind, Dee could only think, _Eternal salvation? That sounds horrible. _  
"Goodbye, Dee, you dumb bitch," the woman said. "The rest of the non-believers will see you in Hell. Soon the Order's plans will come to fruition, and this world will belong to God. Our God-the Dark Princess of Harmony."  
The evil woman laughed evilly-a sharp, wicked sound that pierced the night with its meanness. The last thing Sweet Dee Reynolds heard was a horrible mewling screech coming from somewhere off in the distance, and her world faded to black.

THE END

…...or is it?

…..It is.


End file.
